We Shall Love Our Crooked Neighbor With Our Crooked Heart
by An Infinite World
Summary: What if before Help Wanted came to play, a female octopus, Squillomena Arellano, came to town. She's not like those other octopi out there and she surely dissaproves of Squidward Tentacles, her neighbor across the street. From befriending Spongebob to understanding a purpose, this story goes deeper into the mind of our crooked neighbors and the feelings in our crooked hearts.
1. Neighbors

_"You shall love your crooked neighbor, with your crooked heart." -_Wystan Hugh Auden

* * *

**Neighbors**

"One krabby patty please," I ordered. The octopus at the register seemed to have not a care. Where had I seem that before? Oh yeah! When I was introducing myself to him, I do live across the street from him now.

_Knock, knock._

_"What?" An uncaring voice answered._

_"Hello, I'm Squillomena Arellano, or just Mena, I'm new, and your neighbor." SLAM, he shut the door in my face! Well, that was rude._

"-I said that will be $2.99." Was the squid talking? I must have zoned out, I handed him the money, three dollars.

"Keep the change," I told him.

He looked at the one penny he was about to give back, "how generous." He muttered.

~~...~~

I quickly learned the town and inhabitants of Bikini Bottom.

There was Squidward Tentacles, my arrogant and ill-tempered neighbor, cashier to the Krusty Krab. He played the clarinet, badly.

Then there was Squidward's neighbor, Spongebob Squarepants, he was this funny yellow kitchen sponge. Still a bit of a child I presume but he has that personality that makes you want to wrap him into a hug. He also had a pet snail named Gary. I had a pet snail named Snellie.

Next was Spongebob's best friend, Patrick Star. Patrick was a pink starfish, not the brightest star if you'd ask me but had potential (somehwere).

And there's Eugene Krabs, the owner of the Krusty Krab, real cheapstake, I didn't expect much from him.

Of course there were plenty others, Mrs. Puff, Larry Lobster, Sheldon Plankton and so on, all whom I attempted to introduce myself to (plently of whom I had failed to).

~~...~~

_Knock knock._

"I'm coming!" I said, I quickly turned off the shower, pulled on my signature sleevless blue dress and raced down the stairs. I opened the door and saw Spongebob and Patrick there, faces smiling wider than watermelons.

"Welcome to Bikini Bottom!" They cried out, they were adorable.

"Aww, thanks." I smiled, "it's an amazing town. Everybody here's just so... so... special." Nice was definately not an adjective, but special can be interpreted many ways.

"Are we special too?" Their eyes got wide.

"Of course you two are," they are if they bothered to say hello.

"You should meet Squidward, he's really special." Spongebob told me.

"I've met him... kind of." I told Spongebob, he'd have to either be oblivious or really look up to Squidward to think of him kindly, and special.

"I'll introduce you!" Spongebob said, he and Patrick started to pull on my tentacles.

"It's okay!" I told him, pulling my hand away, "I can walk." He realeased.

"SQUIDWARD!" Spongebob called out.

"GO AWAY SPONGEBOB!" Squidward called from his house.

"But I brought company!" Spongebob said. He turned to me and whispered, "he's shy like that."

When Squidward finally decided to come out, he looked at me and said, "I know you, I had to tell you $2.99 five times until you finally paid." And slammed the door.

"Isn't he amazing?" Spongebob said with a twinkle in his eye.

"Real amazing," I replied with sarcasm.

* * *

**1. I do not own Spongebob Squarepants**

**2. This story is basically what would happen with more realistic emotion from the point of view of this added female character whom I had named Squillomena (portmanteau of Squid and Phillomena) "Mena" Arellano.**

**3. Mena is almost like Squilvia, although her relationship with Squidward with be quite different in the beginning, Mena doesn't like jerks and will try and bring out the good side that we sometimes see from Squid.**

**4. I know he looks and seems like a squid, all of the octopus characters do, but if you closely watch the large crowds in some episodes, you see the squids with the big heads. And while Squidward does have a big head, he is specified as an octopus.**

**5. What episodes should I do, I know I'm doing "Help Wanted" and I know some others, but in season one, which ones. Either in order or in an order that makes very much sense, that way I can keep track.**


	2. Help Wanted (part 1)

_"So much depends/upon/a red wheel/barrow/glazed with rain/water/by the white/chickens." -William Carlos Williams_

* * *

**Help Wanted**

I could hear the buzz of the alarm clock I had set up in my Easter Island head house. So much for sleeping in today, I know I should get a job, but today was not the day. Besides, as of today only the Krusty Krab is looking for help, one) I don't want to work there and have to suffer with Squidward and fattening costumers and two) I couldn't take the job from Spongebob.

Who, by the way; "I'm ready, I'm ready, I'm ready, I'm ready, I'm ready, I'm ready, I'm ready, I'm ready, I'm ready, I'm ready." If he does this everyday, I should just give up on an alarm clock.

I crawled out of bed and prepared myself for the morning, I should go and support Spongebob, afterall he seems so eager. I opened the bathroom door, turned on the shower and slipped out of my pale purple silk robe and slippers.

I stepped into the shower and allowed the hot beads of water roll down my body, I took my hair and scrubbed the messy browness with shampoo and conditioner. I turned the water off and got out, wrapping a towel around me and beginning to dry my hair.

I decided to pull it back into a signature french braid, slipping on my one of many sleeveless blue dresses and running down to where Spongebob was.

"Hey," I said to him.

"Hiya Squill!" He said in return, that grin just never faded.

"Call me Mena, that's what all my friends call me. Or at least they would if I had any.*" I said.

"Okay Mena, I'm off to the Krusty Krab to apply for the job." Spongebob said.

"Cool, I'm going to watch, is that okay?" I asked him, maybe he dind't like preassure?

"Of course, I want to show you I can make the job and- I can't do it!" He suddenly burst out sobbing.

"Oh- oh god, uh, it's okay?" Crying sponges. Who knew? I engulfed him in an awkward hug and patted him on the back, finally I spotted Patrick and mouthed 'a little help here?'

"What do you think you're doing mister?" Patrick asked like a scolding father.

"I was just..." Spongebob blushed and took a step back, towards home.

"No, you're not. You're going to the Krusty Krab and get that job!" Patrick told him.

"I can't, don't you see? I'm not good enough!" Spongebob cried out, major self-esteem issues I see.

"Whose first words were "may I take your order"?" Seriously? What was this guy born and raised for one soul job?

Spongebob gave a small reply, "mine were."

"Who made a spatula out of toothpicks in wood shop?" Patrick demanded.

"I did," said Spongebob with more confidence in his voice.

Patrick ran out of ideas, he grimaces and contorted, twice, while trying to come up with a good third line. "Who's a, uh who's uhh. Oh! Who's a big yellow cube with holes?" Real nice one that is.

"I am!" Spongebob regained his confidence.

"Who's ready?" Patrick asked.

"I'm ready!" Spongebob cheered.

"Who's ready?"

"I'm ready!"

"Who's ready?"

"I'm ready! I'm ready! I'm ready! I'm ready!" Spongebob chanted to the Krusty Krab.

"You're amazing, you know that?" I asked Patrick.

"Uhhh... what?"

"*sigh*"

~~...~~

We follow Spongebob to the Krusty Krab and Squidward (a sour factor I had forgotten) obviously was not pleased with the idea of Spongebob working there. Well, he could go suck eggs.*

"Permission to come aboard, captain!" Spongebob proclaimed, his voice turned deep. "I've been training my whole life for the day I could join the Krusty Krew," it switched back to its high pitched tone, "and now I'm ready." Spongebob tripped on a nail that was stuck in the floorboard, his fall caused him to bounce against the ceiling. Spongebob blurted incomprehensibly while he ricochets around the building. Poor thing. He then rolled to the feet of Mr. Krabs, showing little interest_. "_So, uh, when do I start?"

Mr. Krabs said, "well lad, it looks like you don't even have your sea legs."

I couldn't help but blurt out, not knowing my statement to be true or not, "please, sir. Spongebob is a high quality fry-cook."

"Yeah!" Spongebob said, "ask Squidward, he'll vouch for me." And he just blew his change.

Mr. Krabs and Squidward walked away, then suddenly, as if discussing it with one word, came back.

"Well lad, well give you a test, and if you pass, you'll be on the Krusty Krew! Go out and fetch me..." At Mr. Krabs' words, SpongeBob took out a notepad. "A, uh, hydrodynamic spatula... with, um, port-and-starboard-attachments, and, uh... turbo drive! And don't come back till you get one!"Krabs put a Krusty Krab crew hat on SpongeBob. SpongeBob had seen how he looked in a mirror, there are sparkles on his hat, and he has a huge, satisfied smile which crushed my very heart.

Spongebob soluted Mr. Krabs, "Aye aye, captain!" He read the notebook, "One hydrodynamic spatula, with port-and-starboard attachments, turbo drive, coming right up, Sir!"

Mr. Krabs said, "Carry on!" And Spongebob left, "We'll never see that lubber again."

I stormed over to Mr. Krabs, "you cruel, cruel man! You've crushed his dreams!"

"The factor we think about, us bosses, is money. How much one employe bring in, in terms of money, and how much he can contribute, again, in terms of money." Mr. Krabs pointed to a kitched sponge, "a sponge isn't going to bring in too much money."

From the distance I heard the wheels of a bus, tourists, my mind said. The hatch door opened. And there was a smell, a smelly kind of smell that smells real smelly. Mr. Krabs' eyes grew wide and we all realized what was going on all too late.

"Anchovies," Mr. Krabs gasped.

And they swarmed.

* * *

***Yes, I did just rip off Meg from Hercules.**

***Squidward Tentacles, voted most likely to "suck eggs" in high school.**

**1. I do not own Spongebob Squarepants**

**2. Each episode will have two parts, most likely. So in math land, if I take say 5 episodes from each season (since there's aproximately 20 episodes per season) and I'm guessing 10 or more seasons. Then 2X10 is 20 and 20X5 is 100. Plus there will be maybe a chapter or so between every so many chapters as an indevidual plot.**

**3. What's your favorite poem/speech/quote. I want to know so I can maybe use it.**


	3. Help Wanted (part 2)

_"Even darkness must pass, a new day will come. And when the sun shines it will shine out the clearer." -J.R.R. Tolkien_

* * *

They came by the score*, how many? 1,000 at least, their meeping voice and words.

I, a highly intellegant female, ran to the boat where the register was and prepared myself to hop in. I had my fair share of anchovies in the past.

_"Would you mommy to get you this for desert?" My caring mother once asked at the market._

_"Yes! Please mommy," I looked at the ice cream._

_The anchovies came, my mother and I and all those workers ran as the anchovies ate whatever they found. By the time it was over, there was little to nothing left in tact, and a pile of money left on the counter._

"Please, please. Quiet!" Squidward shouted over the noise. Instantly the anchovies silenced themselves. "Is this anyway to behave? Hmm?" Does it honestly seem like they cared?

"Meep!" One anchovie said.

"Could we show a little decency and form a neat, single file line in front of the register?" Squidward asked them. Silence. The anchovies then charged, picking up the register boat while the cries "meep" intensified.

I was in the boat, with Squidward and Mr. Krabs as we were tossed in a sea of anchovies. Ruthless and hungry.

"All hands on deck!" Mr. Krabs shouted, "get your anchors out of your pants!"

I glowered at him, "kind of hard when you're being tossed arou-owwwned!" I yelled the last part as the boat did a near 360.

"One single file line was all I asked!" Squidward shouted.

"They're starving! They don't care about order, they care abouting food!" I yelled. Men, oblivious.

"Whoa!" said Mr. Krabs, "batten down the hatches, Mr. Squidward!" We were tossed up in the boat, "We're taking on water, Mr. Squidward!" We went back up again, "I want my mommy Mr. Squidward!" I want Spongebob to come in and make some flipping food!

Squidward practically fell out, "HELP!" He yelled.

"MAN OVERBOARD!" Mr. Krabs yelled, "Climb, Mr. Squidwar, climb!" We began climbing the mast.

"AHHH!" I yelled as an anchovie tugged on my leg.

"Heave ho!" Mr. Krabs yelled as he and Squidward tried pulling me up, finally we all made it to the mast while the anchovies try to get us down. We were safe!

I take it back I take it back! The anchovies formed a large wave...

"This is the end," Mr. Krabs wailed, "goodbye Mr. Squidward! Goodbye person I don't really know!"

"It's Squillomena!" I tell him, best get him to know my name before we all die.

"I'm sorry I was a jerk!" Squidward called to the sky, "oh we are doomed!" And the two men started to cry.

This is the end.

~~...~~

"Permission to come aboard captain!" Spongebob! He was our last hope, dare I look? Yep, I dared. "Da da da da da da da! Da da da da da da da da da da! Did someone order a spatula?" WAIT! He actually got that thing? Apparently Squidward and Mr. Krabs are shocked as I. "That's right! One hydrodynamic spatula with," two spatulas pop out on the sides of the previous one, "port-and-starboard attachments, and lets not forget the turbo drive!" The two extending spatulas twirled around and smack Squidward and Mr. Krabs in the face, they deserve it. "Would you believe they only had one in stock? To the kitchen!" He yelled to the anchovies, "who's hungry?!

I could literally hear Tiny Tim's Living in the Sunlight, Loving in the Moonlight play while SpongeBob served up Krabby Patty after Krabby Patty. Many, many, many Krabby Patties are launched through the opening window to the hungry anchovies. Eventually, all of the anchovies are served and they leave on the buses.

I shimmy down the mast and squeeze the life out of Spongebob, "thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you- I thought we were going to die!" I said.

"Too bad we didn't." Squidward said dryly and got back to work (you know, sitting there with a bored look and a hat).

"That was the finest fast foodsmenship I've ever seen, Mr. Squarepants!" Mr. Krabs praised, "welcome aboard!" He gave Spongebob a nametag.

Squidward actually paid attention, only he whined, "but, but Mr. Krabs..."

"Three cheers for Spongebob!" I said. "Hip-hip!"

"Hoorary!" The two cheered (Squidward with little enthusiasm). Squidward then said, "Mr.-"

"Hip-hip!"

"Hooray!"

"Hip-hip!"

"Hooary!"

"Mr. Krabs!" Squidward pleaded.

"I'll be in my captain's quarters, counting up the booty." Ruthless as those anchovies are, they sure can pay. Mr. Krabs rolled a wheel barrow into a door that must lead to his office.

Patrick entered, "good morning Krusty Krew!"

"What would you like to order, Patrick?" Spongebob asked.

"One Krabby Patty please," Patrick said.

"Make that two!" I added.

SpongeBob flew back to the kitchen using his spatula and a score of Krabby Patties had immediately fired through the servery, which collide with Patrick and send him flying out of the Krusty Krab. I could hear crashing noises and Patrick screaming.

"Mr. Krabs!" Squidward sings calmly, "MR. KRABS! Mr. Krabs, come see your new employeeeeeeee!" He sang.

"Ah, go suck an egg." I told him and left.

* * *

***score=20**

**1. I do not own Spongebob Squarepants**

**2. I made a mistake, there is about 40 11 minute episodes, 20 full 22 minute episodes (adding the a and b together to be aired). so I think maybe 5-8 per season. Depending on my plot idea which has like none right now.**

**3. Please suggest episodes from season 1!**


	4. First Day on the Job

Okay, if Spongebob gets a job, I get a job.

So I looked places, none of which I qualified for, and talked to people, none of which helped me.

Where was I going to find a job?

* * *

**No POV**

Mtr. Krabs looked at his restaurant, The Krusty Krab, and noticed how bad it was going. The costumers were getting impatient, complaining, and poor Spongebob was trying to not only cook, but also serve the food, to many demanding costumers.

Squidward was of course of little use as he hardly even took their order, and so, with heavy heart, Mr. Krabs put up a sign for;

**MORE Help Wanted, waitress needed at the Krusty Krab**

* * *

**(Back to Mena`s POV)**

There's an opening for waitress at the Krusty Krab, so Spongebob tells me, should I take it? I highly doubt we have much of a pay, probably less than minimum wage, but the two manage to keep their houses so...

"Ah, Squillomena, my fine lady. What can I do for ya?" Mr. Krabs asked.

"I would like to apply for the waitress job, and also, call me Mena." I told him.

"Alrighty Mena, since you're the only one who applied, you got it." Mr. Krabs said.

"Thanks, when do I start?" I asked.

"Right now." Mr. Krabs shoved a hat into my hand and pushed me out of his office (to probably count his money).

"Mena!" Spongebob said from where he stood, trying to juggle (not literally) three plates of food at once.

"Here," I took two of them. "Where does this go?"

"Table 2," Spongebob said, walking to table 7.

I put on my hat and walked to the table of two teenage girls. "Your order, ma'ams."

They didn't look up from their phones. One of the two (hot pink fish with oversized lips) took a sip of her drink and spit it out immediatly. "Is this diet Dr. Kelp?" She demanded.

"Um, I'm not sure, Spongebob!" I called.

"Save it, I want replacement drink!" She said.

"So, what's your name?" I just wanted to know...

"None of your business, waitress girl. Where's that replacement?"

"Maybe if you said please," I muttered.

"What was that?" She was pink(er) in the face.

"Did you call?" Spongebob asked, coming this way, looking worn down.

"Nevermind," I told him. "Just a little disagreement."

"A disagreement?" The fish shrieked. "No, this is bad costumer service! Where's your manager, I'm complaining!"

"What for?" Spongebob didn't get it.

"You people are serving me regular Dr. Kelp! I'm trying to watch my figure!" She ranted.

"You surely need it." I rolled my eyes.

"What was that, bitch?" She shrieked, this time, everyone who wasn't watching, started watching.

"Bitch?" Now she's crossed the line.

"Yes, waitress DUMP."

"You wanna go sugar? Because I bet I could break that prominent jaw of yours in two seconds." I was getting mad...

Searing pain in my left cheek, that bitch slapped me! Endless curse words were swimming through my head, insults, retorts, actions. I did none of them, I just looked at her and grabbed the cup out of her meaty hands.

I went to the fountain and got Dr. Kelp, when I went back, I walked confidently over to her, and dumped the contents of that cup over her head. She shrieked, "You'll regret this!"

"Yes, yes, I'm sure she will." The crowd parted to reveal Mr. Krabs, oh crap, I'm screwed.

"Now, you go wash in the ladies room, you need it, and I'll take my waitress to talk. Go." Mr. Krabs said.

"Come along, Mena, we'll chat privetly." He said. I unwillingly followed him into his captain's quarters.

When we were in there.

"BEST. DRAMA. EVER!" He burst into laughing. I just stood there stunned at him. "No, really. What you did there was great, lassie. But just remember to try not to pick fights. Now, if anyone asks I took twenty dollars from your next pay check."

"How much do you pay us anyways?"

"$7 an hour."

"I think that's below the federal minimum wage."

"Oh, I'm sure it is, just be lucky you're not fired. Now get back to work."

Yep, living the life.

* * *

**1. I do not own Spongebob Squarepants**

**2. Sorry I haven't updated, I went on vacation (literally) and didn't have any time.**

**3. I just loved writing that fight scene**

**4. Would Mr. Krabs be honestly angry and that wonderous preformance? Not like she called and complained, certain authoress took care of that...**


End file.
